Teaching Baby Paranoia: Footnotes

[bryantpaul]

For the past 16 months, I've been creating footnotes to supplement my weekly comic, Teaching Baby Paranoia.

They're periodically enlightening, periodically entertaining, and periodically factual. Some of them contain editorial comments made be the editorial staff of Teaching Baby Paranoia, and should not be taken as the opinion of the author.

Any typographical errors you might notice are intentional. Or rather, the result of lazy editing. It's hard to say which.

And yes, everytime you read one of these, money is owed to David Eggers and David Foster Wallace, from whom this idea was blatantly stolen.

Enjoy.

-bryant.

(N.B. Certain footnotes are out of order. Please refer to the titles, and not the sequence.)
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teaching baby paranoia
www.tragi-comix.com

[bryantpaul]

Footnotes: Post Modern Architectural Curios

Martin LaFleur is probably best known for his role in the 1987 Savings and Loan scandal. It has been estimated by the I.R.S. that he lost over 27 million dollars of tax-payer money. He is now known as both the junk king, and the junk bond king. Humorous...no?

Jan Der Groot finished last in his class at Amsterdam's prestigious Vermeer School of Design. While an admirer of the De Stijl style...he was born fifty years too late to have been a true disciple. In 1994, a hotel he designed in Kyoto collapsed and killed nine. He has been barred from practicing architecture in all of the EU.

It is now thought that four of Martin LaFleur's robberies were in fact insurance scams. He has been under almost constant surveillance by the insurance company with whom he made his claim.

The 'Wash n' Wait' has been named one of Portland Oregon's biggest business success stories. With its spectacular view, and a full service coffee bar, the 'Wash n' Wait' is one of the trendiest hang-out spots in the Pacific Northwest.

[bryantpaul]

Footnotes: Mad Adda

The bombing of London had a profound effect upon the criminal underground during WWII. Citizens of all walks of life were called upon to aid in the war-effort, including a number of notorious criminals. During the fall of Berlin, two criminal Londoners were killed while trying to steal antiquities from a museum.

The man known as "Mad Adda" was in fact, not Welsh. He was a Briton from the south who thought the nom-de-plume "Mad Adda" was terribly clever. He was psychotic though. After the war, he spent thirty years in an institution undergoing all sorts of cruel treatments. In the 1960's he was renowned for his naive-style paintings. When he was released from L'hotel Dieu in 1973, he became something of a talk show celebrity. He died in 1987 after ingesting 400 pounds of pickled pig's feet.

"Gramp's" criminal career was somewhat less colorful than "Mad Adda's." His claim to fame was one botched robbery in Essex. He was trying to blow up a safe using quick lime and petrol, and ended up nearly mummifying himself. His leathery hide was a result of severe chemical burns, and not the ravages of age.

Angus Newton was actually a descendent of physicist and mathematician Isaac Newton. After a brief stint in a juvenile facility, Angus Newton became a well-respected chemist and theoretical physicist. During the cold war, he was often called upon to decipher Soviet encryptions. He was arrested in 1990 for armed robbery.

[bryantpaul]

Footnotes: Old Scratch Management

According to legend, one of the first Justices of Missouri's Supreme Court killed an Apache shaman in a hunting mishap. As the shaman died, he cursed the judge with eternal damnation and aphasia. Forever after, the judge was haunted by an apparition "in painted mask." The judge was known for his quick temper, and his often erroneous edicts. He is the one who drafted, "Missouri vs. The Brothers Smith," the law requiring all disputes involving a contract signed in blood, to be settled with ritual duel. When he died, his family refused the rite of burial, instead insisting that his body be taken to an Indian reserve and burned.

Deathsugar was founded by two brothers, neither of whom could play any instruments. According to a quick, tell-all biography, the name comes from a famous Finnish saga. In a recent interview with VH1, Jimmy West, the "bass-player," admitted that he invented the name while drunk on anti-freeze.

Old Scratch, is of course the devil. This is a terribly obvious reference, for which the author feels no end of shame. He promises that in the future, he'll come up with something a bit more clever.

It is a well known folk legend that the devil played a fiddle of gold. (Gold, of course being the symbol of man's hubris.)

The furies, also known as the Erinyes, were goddesses of vengeance in Greek legend. In the story of Orpheus and Euridice, Orpheus plays a song so melancholy that the furies wept. This is the author's pathetic attempt to justify majoring in Classics while in college. Just nod along and keep reading.

Shortly after their duel, the public was made aware that Deathsugar lip-synched all of their music. Their fall from grace was hard. Is this another metaphor for man's hubris? One would think that since this metaphor was used once already, that the author wouldn't use it again...but the author is notoriously lazy.

[bryantpaul]

Footnotes: Pontifex Minimus

Most famous of these schisms, is of course Martin Luther's movement, which became known as Protestantism. There have been a number of others as well...usually short lived, and usually mercilessly crushed by the Vatican.

In the 1500's, a French madman by the name of Antoine D'Artagnon named himself Pontifex Maximus, Most-Holy Roman Emperor. People came from miles around to hear him preach, and to have various household artifacts blessed. His method of blessing was somewhat unusual...he claimed that the most holy of water, was the water made by his own body. For this reason, he had few repeat customers. It became something of a joke in French society, and is mentioned, in passing, in Voltaire's Candide.

Diego Perez performed over a dozen so-called miracles in his short life. His most interesting was the spontaneous generation of a birthmark shaped like DaVinci's "Last Supper." Religious scholars worldwide became obsessed with this phenomenon. Touching the mark was said to cure leprosy, blindness, polio, whooping-cough and male-pattern baldness. When Perez died, it was discovered that he had "defiled" the "Last Supper" by tattooing a heart with the name "Conchita" over the mark. No one knows who this "Conchita" is.

The three elements required in an excommunication are a bell, a candle, and a bible. The offender's name is crossed out of the book of life, and condemned to burn for eternity in hell. Ironically, this was considered the most cruel form of punishment in medieval times. Not so much today.

The last line is in reference to Jesus' ability to turn water into wine. Not really that funny when you think about it. Again, you have the author's deepest sympathies.

[bryantpaul]

Footnotes: Metaphysically Insulting

This doesn't seem to be a curse per se, but more like some sort of bizarre paranormal phenomenon. In his writings, preeminent cultural anthropologist, Dr. Malcom Winterbottom refers to the vision quest as a "psychological mechanism designed to vent psychosis." Whether or not the author's family suffers from psychosis remains to be seen.

Last year, the author's father Francis was visited by the spirit of his 52nd birthday. It seemed a pointless venture, until the late evening, when Francis 52 told Francis 57 where he had put the red-handled hammer. While nothing life altering was learned, the author's father appreciated not having to buy yet another hammer.

The author's brother, Ogden was visited by the spirit of his 2nd birthday. The author found it quite amusing to watch his brother baby-sit a hallucination for twenty four hours. (Highlights included watching Ogden 27 watch six straight hours of teletubbies on PBS.)

The 18 year old manifestation of the author bears little resemblance to the author. Again, the author keenly demonstrates his inability to capture likenesses on paper.

The author does, indeed, listen to "good music." The author also realizes that defining one's own taste as "good" is pretty presumptuous, but is willing to live with that.

The manifestation of the author's 18th birthday makes a thinly veiled reference to an earlier "Teaching Baby Paranoia" strip called "Monet See, Monet Do." Self referential literature is generally perceived as inferior...this example being no exception.

The author once spent three hours driving around looking for a dairy queen. Usually not quite so susceptible to advertising, the author expresses the aforementioned sentiment with some reluctance.

[bryantpaul]

Footnotes: Petty Shoal

In the delusional world of the author, scientists have two functions...the study of bizarre ancient artifacts, and building biological monstrosities. In the real world, no not the television show, scientists perform a multitude of work which does not fit in either of the aforementioned categories. These include agriculture, astronomy, phrenology, and thermodynamic creationism. The author would like to thank all scientists for their constant struggle to over-explain all that is good in the world.

The author did, in fact, grow up on Cape Cod. He is not, nor ever was, a fisherman. He is not, nor ever was a seafarin' man. He does not, nor ever has had salt in his bones.

The coast of New England is constantly changing. Over the centuries, numerous islands have appeared and disappeared. Most famous of these was Billingsgate Island. At one point it housed a luxury hotel, until the cruel sea swept it into the drink. The author would like to think this is yet another example of mankind's hubris. Perhaps it is. Perhaps it is not. Perhaps the author needs to stop thinking that the goddamn world is a goddamn Greek tragedy, and that sometimes bad things happen for no goddamn reason at all.

The bizarre mutated creature pictured is not a coelacanth. It kinda looks like one, but the author never uses photo reference whilst drawing, and thus is incapable of reproducing the physiognomy of humans, much less prehistoric fish.

When Petty Shoal sank beneath the waves, so did its elaborate, and somewhat primitive power supply. Perhaps the reason that most fishermen avoid the waters around Petty Shoal is because of the highly localized PCB contamination. PCBs, or Polychlorinated Biphenyls are the scourge of the industrial revolution. More people get sick from PCB contamination per year than from any other industrial pollutant. They are released, as heavy metals, used in old power plants, corrode.

The author was never abducted by strange undersea creatures.

[bryantpaul]

Footnotes: A Golem in Love, Part One.

The title refers to the ingredients needed to build a golem

Helen Meyers, wife of Ezekiel Meyers died of tuberculosis on the trip from Prague to New York. The family tried to hide her illness from the other passengers, fearing that she wouldn't have been allowed into the United States carrying a highly contagious respiratory illness. Tuberculosis, long thought to have been eradicated, is making a comeback. Prisons and hospitals are once again breeding grounds for for this disease.

Before the widespread use of antibiotics, illnesses such as influenza were often lethal. It seems odd that Ezekiel would lose both wife and son to respiratory illnesses. Ironically, many religions consider the breath to be the manifestation of the soul. Is there some hidden connection between the religious overtones of this story and the cause of death of Ezekiel's son and wife? The author is a devout atheist, so such a connection is unlikely, or at least pure happenstance.

Ezekiel Meyers is a student of the Kabala. The Kabala is a branch of Jewish mysticism concerned with the power of the word. When god created the universe, he/she did so with a single word. Through the study of the Torah and the Talmud, the Kabalist seeks a greater understanding of the machinations of the creator. (The name of god is never spoken. To know the name of god, is to possess his/her knowledge. The name used in its place is Yahweh, or Jehovah...an approximation of the creator's true name. One of the more radical branches of Kabalistic study is trying to decipher the true name of god using mathematical numerology and cryptology.)

Traditionally, a golem is created as a protector, or a manifestation of vengeance. Using blood, hair, spit, and soil from the grave of the deceased, the sorcerer creates a clay approximation of a human body. Using the power of the word, he/she gives it life and breath.

The name of Ezekiel's golem is significant. In Hebrew, the word for son is transliterated in English as Ben. By giving the golem the name Ben, Ezekiel has in essence created his son. The word written on his chest is the actual Hebrew. This is not biblical Hebrew, as the vowels are clearly marked. The Kabala is thousands of years old...so perhaps the author should have omitted said vowels. The author doesn't actually speak Hebrew, and apologizes for this oversight.

Ben's mouth is stitched shut. Is there hidden symbolism here? If there is, it wasn't hidden very well.

[bryantpaul]

Footnotes: A Golem in Love, Part Two

The title refers to the ingredients needed to build a golem

By flesh and blood, the author means a child of woman born. The astute reader will remember that no man of woman born could kill Macbeth. Perhaps our golem protagonist could have killed Macbeth, but this conjecture seems highly specious. Perhaps the author is trying to remind the readers that he has, in fact, read Macbeth a number of times, and that he still regards it as a favorite. Perhaps the author is still recovering from his near-death experience today, and remains somewhat delusional.

The proverbial 'bull in the china shop.' More proof that animated homunculi and flower shoppes do not mix.

The author knows first hand what it is like to fill one's day with idle contemplation. For a while, his hobby was to stare at blank surfaces until the receptors in his eyes ceased functioning properly, and could no longer convert three-dimensional data into two dimensions.

The symbol on the female golem's chest is the hebrew word for 'daughter.' Bet you didn't see that one coming!

The author realizes that the astute reader probably did see that one coming.

[bryantpaul]

Footnotes: A Golem in Love, Part Three

The title refers to the ingredients needed to build a golem

For a long time, psychologists thought that passion was the culprit in many anti-social disorders. People who tended to get excited were deemed 'hysterical' and sent to 'rest clinics.' Hysteria, also known as neurasthenia, was a commonly diagnosed malady in Victorian times. A number of scholars, rightfully so, believe that this diagnosis was used to keep women in their 'proper place,' in the rigid Victorian society. It is easy to shrug this off as the naiveté of our past, but consider this, dearest reader; Neurasthenia was commonly diagnosed well into the 1960's. You've come a long way baby. Why anyone would discriminate segments of the world's population based upon rather simple genetic differences remains a mystery to the author.

The author's parents were used as the basis for Ezekiel's speech in this week's comic. With their 'crazy demands' like 'clean your room,' and 'brush your teeth,' and 'don't set your brother on fire,' the author found that they often 'harshed his mellow.' One would think that the many years of adulthood would give him a better understanding of parenting, but in this case, one would be wrong.

Like a dolphin, or whale, the common Golem must be kept moist. Because animated homunculi are images of man, wrought in clay, over time they tend to dry out. Ben, consumed with his crush on the mysterious female golem, neglects his personal hygiene and eventually dries out. This doesn't necessarily kill a golem, but given the author's track record, it is pretty safe to assume that Ben is dead.

Ben is Dead is also the name of a rather smartly put together 'zine of popular culture.

The author would like to remind the reader, that he holds his parents in very high regard, and the aforementioned joke at their expense was made in jest.

They never told him not to set his brother on fire

[bryantpaul]

A Golem in Love: Epilogue

[bryantpaul]

Footnotes: Black Thumb

Again, the author expounds upon the many inanities of life. Time and time again, the editorial staff at Teaching Baby Paranoia has asked the author to create recognizable characters that speak in normal, even pleasing tones. Against our wishes, the author has decided to once again, tackle subjects that few care about.

The author would like to make it known that, in fact, many people find botany and horticulture enjoyable, even exciting. He is not amongst those people. Ironic that a comic celebrating the minutiae of horticulture could be written by someone who can kill a plant faster than the proverbial "speeding bullet."

The author would like to make it known that he strongly opposes the use of firearms, and would encourage the reader to avoid all use of "speeding bullets."

The use of music to encourage plant growth is well documented. The author, being a notorious man-of-leisure, couldn't be bothered to reference any of these so called "documents." The editors of Teaching Baby Paranoia are pretty damn tired of putting up with the author's shenanigans, and his all-together-too-lazy demeanor.

It seems pretty dubious that anyone would invent a machine that converts chemical fluctuations into speech, and pretty presumptuous to assume that the plant kingdom would speak English. Symptomatic of American culture at large, the editors of Teaching Baby Paranoia think.

The editors would like to make it known that not all Cactuses are suicidal. The parents of the author used to think that the author was often suicidal, but careful readers of Teaching Baby Paranoia will recall that the author gets some sort of sick thrill in observing the inanities of life, and thus would never, nor has ever contemplated anything quite so dramatic.

[bryantpaul]

Footnotes: Archaeologica Nonsensica, Number Two

The author did not partake in an archaeological dig in 1994. In fact, by that point, he had dropped out of archaeology for the relatively less complicated degree in "classical civilisation."

The author realizes that he is spelling civilization in the pretentious "british" style. He would like to make it known that he is one hundred percent american, and would sooner die than let some crazy "ferriners" have their way with our beautiful language.

The editors of Teaching Baby Paranoia would like to remind the reader, that the author is anything but one hundred percent american. He left for canada during the gulf war, in the off chance that a draft was reinstated. The editors are getting pretty tired of the constant lies.

The editors would also like to point out that english isn't an american language. Oddly enough, it was created somewhere in europe.

Sumer, also known as Sumeria, was one of several major civilizations to come out of the "fertile crescent." Others being Babylonian, Assyrian, and Hittite. For more information concerning these civilizations, please consult your local library, or better yet, accost your local dungeons and dragons playing nerd.

The editors would like to remind the readers that the author was once a dungeons and dragons playing nerd. It is perhaps for that very reason, that he chose to major in, of all things, classical civilisation.

The author would like to make it known that he thinks the editors are a bunch of "goddamn +4 fucking dorks."

The editors would like to apologize to the readers for what can only be described as a "serious tangent."

Cuneiform is an early form of writing, usually found in baked clay tablets.

Similar "forgeries" were found in museums in London, Berlin and Boston. Since this discovery, these "forgeries" have fetched handsome prices on ebay.

[bryantpaul]

Footnotes: The Trial of St. Sebastian

St. Sebastian's Correctional Institute was western Massachusetts' oldest prison. Founded in 1847, it was considered a state-of-the-art facility. In 1923, after the riot, St. Sebastian's was closed for good. The land was donated to Hampshire county, where it eventually became a day care.

Ironically, the day care located where St. Sebastian's used to be, was investigated for child-abuse in 1978. It is unknown whether or not the day care is haunted.

St. Sebastian is always depicted in art as a youngish man filled with arrows. The author, a world renowned atheist, knows next to nothing about christianity, but thought the name "St. Sebastian" was appropriate for a prison.

That is not to imply that this story is made up. It isn't. Honest injun.

The editors would like to make it known that the aforementioned slur was not intended as an insult. The author suffers from some sort of aphasia, and often finds himself spouting nonsensical catch-phrases from the 50's.

The author seems to have some sort of fascination with the paranormal. Ironic, considering that as a child, the author was often convinced that various ghosts, ghouls and phantasms were out to get him. Once, while visiting the site of a famous haunted house on Cape Cod, the author refused to get out of the car, while his friends wandered about the site, drunk with manly bravado.

Another time, while staying over at a friend's house (also supposedly haunted) he called his parents to take him home at 1:30 in the morning.

The editors would like to make it known, that while the author can talk the talk, he can rarely walk the walk.

The author would like to make it known that he is 100% man, and that anytime the editors would like to take it outside, he'd introduce them to two friends of his, lefty and righty. <shakes fists threateningly.>

Oh, the editors are ready. Anytime pretty boy.

It is commonly known that on the "inside" alcohol and cigarettes are a type of "currency." Even the dead value the power a six pack of suds and a carton of smokes could bring them.

[bryantpaul]

Footnotes: A Metaphysical Conversation, Awkwardly Constructed

Sadly, this is pretty much a true story. Names have been changed and likenesses altered, where used.

The above seems a pretty dubious warning. The author has never once named the protagonist, and rarely names the other characters. Every week, the editors of Teaching Baby Paranoia keep asking the author to name his goddamn characters, and every week he keeps mumbling some mealy-mouthed excuse about "art." The editors would like to remind the reader, that this comic hardly qualifies as "art." In fact, this comic hardly qualifies as "comic" either. "A few more seconds of your life, you'll never, ever get back" is how the editors usually describe it.

As is the case with most self-absorbed cartoonists, the author uses his own likeness as the protagonist...although the editors would like to point out that the author is much, much uglier in person.

A plastic surgeon's fantasy. All squinty eyed and horse-toothed...head like a raven's nest. The stuff legend is made of.

The author can't recall the name of the "friend" mentioned...but can remember the nickname of her boyfriend at the time. "Ricky Pelvis."

More than likely, not his real name.

At the time, the author undoubtedly thought this nickname was pretty clever. The author also spent a weekend watching the entire Nicole Eggert oeuvre, so his tastes and motivations should be taken with a grain of salt.

The "punchline" of this particular strip hinges upon the recognition of the other character in the conversation.

It's the author's two-dimensional proxy!

How droll.

Just hit "back" on you browser a few times, and pretend you didn't read this.